The flaring up of the stove’s burner as you rotate its dial past “High” to “Off.” The last sparks of the sun’s rays before day turns to dusk. The screech of the bottle rocket as it accelerates towards its apical destruction.
These are phenomena that you must not only accept, but embrace.
These are the fullest moments life has to offer.
I’m making a new tumblr. This one has served its purpose and taught me much.
I had a high school friend who was so liberal that he wouldn’t watch King of the Hill.
I could very well end up being a plumber or electrician.
I could very well end up getting married at 28, buying a house in the suburbs, and having a run of the mill middle-class family.
I could very well end up doing nothing with my life.
But I probably won’t.
And I can’t understand my body’s position in space and I can’t understand other people’s faces and I can’t understand how anything exists outside my own mind and I can’t understand why I keep my body and my personality and my mind alive and I can’t I can’t I can’t
OK, but then, like, how can you expect to escape the isolation of your mind and have a positive outlook if your main passion is the inherently selfish desire for a positive outlook?
She told me she liked conspiracy theories, well actually just the idea of conspiracy theories, like that, with stress on the word ‘idea,’ and I told her I thought that was cowardly. She asked me if I believed in any conspiracy theories and I laughed and said no, not normally, to which she responded by asking where I got off. I was going to make a joke about her wording because I’m immature but the look on her face told me that it wasn’t a good idea so I responded truthfully by saying I thought it pretty much summed up everything I disliked about the mindset of a subset of creative people in our generation, specifically the hesitancy to endorse or acknowledge or feel any semi-serious emotion or belief or passion. I started talking over my head a little and said that I thought it’s probably a result of misinterpreted postmodern and post-structuralist theories, where someone who had a relatively uneventful childhood and adolescence and who also hadn’t read a lot of hard philosophy texts internalizes the idea that everything is relative and nothing really matters. Needless to say she was pretty offended by this but I feigned surprise and told her she should take it as a compliment since I had just called her creative. She was kind of sitting there staring at me with her mouth hanging open after that, which I thought was attractive in a strange way, so I suggested we ask for our check, grab some box wine at the liquor store, and head back to her apartment for the night, but she wasn’t as into the idea as I was and still hadn’t picked her jaw up off the table and I could feel my interest in both her expression and her personality in general slowly draining out of me simultaneously, which was weird and depressing and exhausting all at the same time. She ended up walking out of the diner after that without saying anything and also without leaving any money to pay for her half of the check, which I thought was sort of lame.
Whenever I think about that day I also think about the girl who I dated all of my senior year of high school and lost my virginity to, and how I used to refer to her (my senior year girlfriend) as an “American girl” in my head since she played field hockey and lacrosse and went to church on Sunday and her dad was a contractor who belonged to a union and her family took us to Olive Garden one time for her birthday. I don’t like saying one person is better than another but I can’t help believing that it’s healthier and more human to be able to be earnestly passionate even if that’s the psychological root cause behind ugly things like Fox News and racism and conspiracy theories.